May 24, 2013
Inside of My Head
You may have noticed that I've been posting a lot of food photos here lately. You see, it all really started with this blog. I've always loved cooking, but it wasn't until I started photographing recipes for No Place Lyke Home that I found my passion for food and beverage photography.
Since my stay at Penland, I've been doing my best to keep on track with pursuing photography. It's not always easy. The fear and the doubt seep in and grip me really hard sometimes. Usually it sounds something like this, you didn't go to school for this, there are so many talented people that have failed at this, you don't know what you're doing, you aren't even close to being where [insert photographer's name] is.
I constantly need to talk myself off of the ledge. To remind myself how far I've come and that the more that I do this, the more I will learn. Have you heard that saying about not comparing your beginning to someone else's middle? I do it all of the time.
I think the most difficult thing about taking the leap to start my own business is that sometimes it can feel very lonely. Regardless of how much support or praise I get, I alone am responsible. At the end of the day I have to answer to myself. Did I do enough to source new business today? Did I put my best work out there? Have I truly done all that I can?
Even though I feel the busiest I've ever felt, I can't help but shake the feeling that people on the outside looking in imagine that I have loads of free time and wonder what I do with all of it.
When I'm in the middle of one of my spirals of doubt and self loathing I ask myself, Is this worth it? The answer has been (and I feel always will be), Yes. Without a doubt. I come alive when I'm behind the camera. It's worth all of the questioning, all of the knots in my stomach, the worry -- all of it. The thought of possibly working as a photographer full time for a living has given me such a sense of anticipation and excitement for the future. It's lit a fire within me that no amount of worry and anxiety can extinguish.
Now that I've taken the leap, I hope to have more patience with myself. I want my inner voice to come from a more constructive and less hateful place. I'd like to keep my critical eye while still allowing room for the occasional pat on the back when it's deserved.
I'm laying it all out there with the hopes that one day I will look back on this post and recognize how far I've come. I'm all about documenting this journey, so I apologize for my angsty tone and jumbled thoughts. It's what the inside of my head sounds like these days.